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The Bluffers Guide to Glastonbury!
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The Bluffers Guide to Glastonbury!

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Glastonbury Festival is just round the corner, and this year’s effort promises to be bigger, louder and more decadent than ever! With over 120,000 people, dozens of stages,  2,200+ acts playing over the course of the weekend, and a heady brew of all things alcoholic, things can get a little confusing! No worries though, we’ve got you covered with our full proof festival guide. Whether you are a Glasto veteran or a complete newbie, check out our Bluffers Guide to Glastonbury and you’re sure to make it out the other side with nothing but awesome memories! We’ll see you at the front!

1. There are Queues for Everything!

Glastonbury Queue

Lucky for us, there are more amenities than back in the 70’s when Glastonbury was just a few dozen hippies in a drum circle, but as we know, times have changed. Glastonbury is now the largest grassroots festival in the world, which means that there will be queues, lots and lots of queues.  However, you can cut hours off your festival queuing by making a few smart calls ahead of time. For example, bring your own food and booze rather than relying on concession stands, or invest in a solar powered charger rather than going to the public charge points.

2. A little prep goes a long way

Glasto Plan Ahead

Ask any wise old hippie you bump into at Glastonbury and they will tell you that a bit of prep time beforehand will save you a lot of trouble when you get there. When you wing it, there is a pretty high chance that things will not go as smoothly you had planned. Luckily, the Glastonbury organizers have got you covered on that score. The EE Glastonbury or Festival Ready apps are both great ways to help you spend less time stressing and more time enjoying yourself, so make sure you download them before you head off!

3. Get off the Beaten Path

Glastonbury Obscure jpg 3

That said, this is a music festival in Somerset we are talking about, not an expedition up Everest, so even if it’s your first time, there’s no need to map out your every move. This is Glastonbury after all, and most of the truly memorable moments will come spontaneously. There are dozens of stages at Glastonbury, over 2200 acts, including not just music, but also comedy, art, spoken word, magic, and just about anything you can think of. So even if you are just there for Kanye’s set (or not) try to expand your musical and cultural horizons by checking out that Peruvian throat singing troupe at the Middle of Nowhere stage. It might be awesome, it might not be, but either way you won’t regret it!

4. Back to Basics

Glastonbury Everest 1

Toilet Roll, Wet Wipes, Hand Sanitizer, Bin Bags… Yeah, we know it’s not as interesting as planning how many different kinds of alcohol you’re going to bring with you, but these basic essentials are the bread and butter of the seasoned festival-goer. You’ll be thanking us when you make it through the weekend without being struck down by dysentery!

5. There Will Be Mud

Glastonbury Mud

Even if it doesn’t rain, which, let’s face it, it probably will, Glasto is notorious for turning into a mud bath. Best to leave the plimsolls and stilettos at home and bring a pair of wellies or walking boots if you want to stand any chance of not being swallowed by the ground beneath you.

6. Pace Yourself

MEXICO SPRING BREAK

There’s no better time to enjoy a drink or ten than at Glastonbury, but remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint, so no need to peak too early on Friday evening and spend the rest of the night vomming in your shoes instead of rocking out to your favourite band! And remember to keep some water in your tent for the morning after: The half-mile zombie walk to the nearest water fountain with a throbbing headache is a definite low point for any festival weekend.

7. Beware the Port-a–Potties

Festivalgoers using the newly installed long drop toilets in the rain on Thursday

Yes, most of what you hear about festival Port-a-Potties is probably true. How to avoid it? Well, the short answer is you can’t, but there are ways you can limit the amount of times you need to make the treacherous journey into this Festival Mordor. First things first: Avoid Festival Food. That undercooked kebab you had at 3am last night may have tasted bloody great at the time, but it will slice through you like a samurai sword when you least expect it! So either avoid the concession stands altogether, or make sure you’ve got some imodium handy in case yesterday’s mid-night snack comes back to haunt you. Also, do a bit of recon when you first arrive – search out the toilets in places with less foot traffic, and avoid going at night and/or if you are drunk.

8. Be prepared for a guitar sing-a-long

Glastonbury Oasis 1

Whether you like it or not, at some point during the week you WILL stumble into a guitar circle with a few folks who believe that Kanye’s headline slot on the Pyramid stage is theirs by right, even if they can only string together a half-baked rendition of a four chord wonder. So if you are a complete festival hobbyist, best memorize some Oasis lyrics on the way so that when the inevitable Wonderwall sing-along happens, you can leave it to the wannabe rockstar to embarrass themselves.

9. Enjoy the Sun…If there is any

Glastonbury Rita Ora

Even if it’s not a belter, standing outside over the course of the weekend can leave you in a lot of pain by Sunday, particularly when people push past you in the crowd, so make sure you have some sun block handy. Same goes for your eyes too, and one advantage of a festival is that when it comes to shades, anything goes. You can go with some aviators for that Rock-Star look, some John Lennon-esque round sunglasses if you really want to get into the boho vibe, or if you want to stand out in the crowd, just go for the wackiest frame style you can find!

10. Don’t be a Dickhead

Glastonbury Kanye

There are over 120,000 people at Glastonbury, and the vast, vast majority of them will be totally chilled-out folks who are just there to soak up the vibe. However, the law of averages dictates that there will be some people who are going to use the festival environment to take things too far. Garden variety examples of the festival dickhead can often be seen doing some of the following:

– moshing to an acoustic set

– throwing bottles in the crowd

– pissing on peoples tents

– groping female crowd-surfers

– using selfie-sticks to excess

Should be pretty self-explanatory really. Avoid doing this kind of stuff and it’s all good.

11.Soak in the Glasto Vibe!

Glastonbury Vibe

It only comes ‘round once a year, so be open-minded and make the most of it! See some awesome bands, meet some new people, and have a mad time with your mates. That’s what Glastonbury is all about at the end of the day. We’ll see you at the front!

 

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